Absolutely brilliant weekend

15-11-18 to 18-11-18

The best weekend of my life in a pure, true joy kind of form. I want to look back at it and remember a time when things had felt so right that all the wrong of the past did not matter. I want to capture this feeling so that I can live off it for the not so great days that come in my life.

Thursday, I gave a mid term test which I would later find out I score a 100 in. I was the only one out of a class of 249 to score a 100 in it and it was not all pure luck but a lot of effort and dedication went into it and I am glad it paid off. This was in the afternoon. In the evening, I received a donation towards the end of my calling shift. So happy since I had got one after so long and also, the shift was with one of my favourite people. At night, my lovely flatmate made paella and this was the first time I ever had that dish.

Friday, I treated my skin with some lovely skin products and went to the beautiful Christmas markets.

Saturday, I gathered up the courage to go to a swing social outside of university. It was very daunting and a huge part of me wanted to avoid the way I had avoided the previous socials in the past. But I mustered up the strength and went to the bar. At first it was quite awkward for me. I knew people but not well enough to comfortably talk to them. After a few vain attempts, I perched myself on the corner of the couch until this guy that I have danced with in the class arrived (I didn’t know he was coming and didn’t really think he would talk with me). But he was there with his friend and then another girl joined us and we were a nice bunch of 4 novice swingsters ( though the girl had more experience than any of us) and it was a lovely night. Later, that night I supported my friend by going to drinks with her, her crush and his friends. Though it started off comfortably, I found myself getting lonely and left (in a good way). I am glad I took in a new experience and met new people!

Sunday, I went on an incredibly amazing adventure with a friend. The trip was loosely planned which made every step we took very raw and organic. It was a very pleasantly rocky ride and I have summed up some of my feelings in the previous post. We went through random trails in the woods assisted by Google maps. Opening random gates, fearing we might be trespassing. Climbed a very tricky, sheep’s path to the top of the stones. Found an inn after a lot lot loooooot of walking and then happened the Surprise View Car Park haha. But the railway station greeted us with fireworks as if saying things would be fine. I found myself in a strange kind of bravery, unfeared by the experience when it was happening. I knew we would make home, perhaps late but home nonetheless. This mountain full of optimism in a massively pessimist person was refreshing even to my own self.

This video captures how I felt that day:

(I have not made this video, haha. These are the same feelings I felt that day as I do whenever I see this video. I felt alive, free and boundless)

I am very thankful for this weekend. I am very appreciateful for this life right now. These moments can be characterised as rare in my life and so this is my attempt to remember them forever.

For a Sky full of Stars

After being deserted in the pitch blackness of the highway with dead phones and only the moonlight to guide us. I said, as we carefully scrambled for our lives fearing appearances of wild animals crossing our paths and falling off the edge of the cliff,

“I am sorry. Next time, I will do crazy things alone.”

A quiet, scared voice replied,

“I would rather be here with you than think of you being here alone.”

That night we saw so much more than just a sky full of stars. Sleeping sheeps, fireworks, the warmth of an inn all graced our path. Showing us there is so much to be thankful for. Safe and sound we returned home, albeit a lot later than we expected, from the Surprise View Car Park.

Grief

Grief comes in waves. You sit on the shore and can do nothing but wait. So when the waves come and hit you, don’t try to pull away. Embrace them as they come for you. Let them take you in with all their might. Because you will get through. You are still where you are and they will pass. After your perseverance against them, they will slowly succumb back. And there shall emerge, a new you. A, you, better and stronger than the one before. A new that now isn’t afraid of the hurdles in life and is ready to face more. Because remember, grief comes in waves. It will come, but, it will also go.

The Days

i was always a sorrowful child

but never did grief consume me the way it does tonight

you have left me on my own

only with my conscience

but the silence of your absence is so loud

it is drowning my cries

as I sit here to recall

what was that one amongst the many wrongs

that angered Him so

he took away it all

now my soul whimpers

and my spirit crawls

as my heavy heart finally falls

shatters into pieces

that I no longer have the strength to pick

the curtains of my mind shut

the sun forgets to shine

and the darkness prolongs its stay

i know you asked me to fight

but I am sorry

today I am too polite

to take control

of whatever is left to be called mine.

When to stop waiting?

There’s so much you take and you give in the world

And so much the world gives to and takes from you

But it’s never the right time

It’s never what you need when you need it

It hard to then value things you have

It’s hard to see how precious are things in the present until they are gone in the future

But that’s what life is

A game

A test

A teacher

A flu

Gets worse before it gets better only to get worse again

It’s not easy to hold on

It’s not easy to not give up

It’s not easy to play along and wait

Because wait is a vague word

Without parameters

How long before you stop waiting

When is it right  to know that there’s nothing you can do anymore

When to know it is time to move on

Time to give up this fight 

Because you can’t win each one of them

And to take on a new fight

If you know

Please, 

Let me know. 

Divenire

Dark thoughts and lonely nights. 

Shine the light, Heaven be my guide

Unravel the mystery, no more secrets

Let’s create history

Hard to think

Insurmountable

Energy of the wind

Lust pleasure heartache

Oh precious, there is not much at stake

So hold tight, listen carefully

the angel cry

Falling from above

Like a mist of dreams and magic dust

We are in a whirlpool 

Nothing was ever still

Nothing ever touched us

Touched us so

Our hearts we could let free

And give into 

This madness

Uncontrollable

Irresistible

Enigmatical

Round and round

And round and round

And round

Hold tight

Don’t give up

Let him take you in his grace

He has shown the light 

Heaven has welcomed you with arms spread wide.

A Forever Peace

She sat on the sofa and cried her eyes out. It was the third time in three days. Very much against the new year resolution she took, of being passive and cold. She was hurt. She was frustrated. She was lost. Lost in her own insanity. Her own self-importance. Anybody who came near her, she drove away. Anybody who tried to know her, she put up a facade. A crazy, cheerful, carefree girl. A lying, lonesome, languished girl.

First Cry
dd/mm/yy

Her application rejected by her dream university. A failure.

Second Cry
dd/mm/yy

She failed her exam. Not just an exam, mind you. A reflection of the future. A failure.

Third Cry
dd/mm/yy

She caused havoc and storm in her already tattered house at her already broken family. She made her mother cry. A failure.

Fourth Cry
__/__/__

She couldn’t live a failure forever…
A fleeting memory.

Unreasonable

Our woe does not spring from the outside. It is because we cannot coordinate our heart and our mind. We have been taught to listen to reason but our inherent defect sways with emotion. This causes limitless havoc. For it is not within the capacity of our mind to understand the sorrows of our heart. You can’t have a reason for everything.

The Start

I am very impressionable. In the words of Lord Tennyson:

” I am a part of all that I’ve met.”

Every person I meet, every book I read, every movie I see, every song I listen to, every moment I live pushes me deeper and deeper into the maze I have been struggling to get myself out of. Instead of getting inspired, I burden myself with the their issues, whether good or bad, I find myself lost in these abundant incredible ideas. And unfortunately, not in a positive way.

I have always been a pessimist. I confuse underestimation with humility. I try to figure and force out the worst of and in everything. And to some extent that is probably right but to most extents it is threatening to the peace of your body and mind. I guess I have never been good at drawing estimates. They are either far-fetched, which mostly disappoint, or they are too undermining that I miss out on opportunities. But fortunately or unfortunately, I have developed a liking towards these expected unexpectencies.

My life is a playlist on shuffle with songs from all moods of life. It is a playlist that is almost never updated and it is a playlist which has been on loop for a long period of time. But despite representing different emotions, all these songs have an underlying saddness in them. An emptiness disguised. An emptiness unexplored. But the superficiality depicts that I can never station myself onto something. I am confused and unorganised, as you’ve already figured out through this haphazardly penned down write up. My record player is broken and it’s vascillating from happiness to stress to anger to vivacity to thankfulness to disgust to curiousity to sometimes everything all together at once but emptiness is the omnipresent note. I am affected deeply. And deeply am I trying to find out what it is that is affecting me.

Today, I am occupied with my emptiness. And I have no reason to, or a reason I am unaware of, to feel so. I had an amzing birthday. I don’t have a huge social connect but I have friends enough to feel wanted, admired and loved. Enoughto make me feel special and abide by the self implanted, self centric rules of birth day. Yet I feel lonely. As I answer each awakening call, I feel drained. I feel traped and uncomfortable. I feel unruly and annoyed. And as much as I would like to appreciate the presence of all the people who stick around me during my meaningless rage, I am frustated by their presence. Or probably I am frustated with myself.

I have embarked on a journey that will fit the pieces one-by-one but will never ,probably, solve the maze. I have embarked on a journey of discovering myself.