Absolutely brilliant weekend

15-11-18 to 18-11-18

The best weekend of my life in a pure, true joy kind of form. I want to look back at it and remember a time when things had felt so right that all the wrong of the past did not matter. I want to capture this feeling so that I can live off it for the not so great days that come in my life.

Thursday, I gave a mid term test which I would later find out I score a 100 in. I was the only one out of a class of 249 to score a 100 in it and it was not all pure luck but a lot of effort and dedication went into it and I am glad it paid off. This was in the afternoon. In the evening, I received a donation towards the end of my calling shift. So happy since I had got one after so long and also, the shift was with one of my favourite people. At night, my lovely flatmate made paella and this was the first time I ever had that dish.

Friday, I treated my skin with some lovely skin products and went to the beautiful Christmas markets.

Saturday, I gathered up the courage to go to a swing social outside of university. It was very daunting and a huge part of me wanted to avoid the way I had avoided the previous socials in the past. But I mustered up the strength and went to the bar. At first it was quite awkward for me. I knew people but not well enough to comfortably talk to them. After a few vain attempts, I perched myself on the corner of the couch until this guy that I have danced with in the class arrived (I didn’t know he was coming and didn’t really think he would talk with me). But he was there with his friend and then another girl joined us and we were a nice bunch of 4 novice swingsters ( though the girl had more experience than any of us) and it was a lovely night. Later, that night I supported my friend by going to drinks with her, her crush and his friends. Though it started off comfortably, I found myself getting lonely and left (in a good way). I am glad I took in a new experience and met new people!

Sunday, I went on an incredibly amazing adventure with a friend. The trip was loosely planned which made every step we took very raw and organic. It was a very pleasantly rocky ride and I have summed up some of my feelings in the previous post. We went through random trails in the woods assisted by Google maps. Opening random gates, fearing we might be trespassing. Climbed a very tricky, sheep’s path to the top of the stones. Found an inn after a lot lot loooooot of walking and then happened the Surprise View Car Park haha. But the railway station greeted us with fireworks as if saying things would be fine. I found myself in a strange kind of bravery, unfeared by the experience when it was happening. I knew we would make home, perhaps late but home nonetheless. This mountain full of optimism in a massively pessimist person was refreshing even to my own self.

This video captures how I felt that day:

(I have not made this video, haha. These are the same feelings I felt that day as I do whenever I see this video. I felt alive, free and boundless)

I am very thankful for this weekend. I am very appreciateful for this life right now. These moments can be characterised as rare in my life and so this is my attempt to remember them forever.

For a Sky full of Stars

After being deserted in the pitch blackness of the highway with dead phones and only the moonlight to guide us. I said, as we carefully scrambled for our lives fearing appearances of wild animals crossing our paths and falling off the edge of the cliff,

“I am sorry. Next time, I will do crazy things alone.”

A quiet, scared voice replied,

“I would rather be here with you than think of you being here alone.”

That night we saw so much more than just a sky full of stars. Sleeping sheeps, fireworks, the warmth of an inn all graced our path. Showing us there is so much to be thankful for. Safe and sound we returned home, albeit a lot later than we expected, from the Surprise View Car Park.

Grief

Grief comes in waves. You sit on the shore and can do nothing but wait. So when the waves come and hit you, don’t try to pull away. Embrace them as they come for you. Let them take you in with all their might. Because you will get through. You are still where you are and they will pass. After your perseverance against them, they will slowly succumb back. And there shall emerge, a new you. A, you, better and stronger than the one before. A new that now isn’t afraid of the hurdles in life and is ready to face more. Because remember, grief comes in waves. It will come, but, it will also go.

The Days

i was always a sorrowful child

but never did grief consume me the way it does tonight

you have left me on my own

only with my conscience

but the silence of your absence is so loud

it is drowning my cries

as I sit here to recall

what was that one amongst the many wrongs

that angered Him so

he took away it all

now my soul whimpers

and my spirit crawls

as my heavy heart finally falls

shatters into pieces

that I no longer have the strength to pick

the curtains of my mind shut

the sun forgets to shine

and the darkness prolongs its stay

i know you asked me to fight

but I am sorry

today I am too polite

to take control

of whatever is left to be called mine.

When to stop waiting?

There’s so much you take and you give in the world

And so much the world gives to and takes from you

But it’s never the right time

It’s never what you need when you need it

It hard to then value things you have

It’s hard to see how precious are things in the present until they are gone in the future

But that’s what life is

A game

A test

A teacher

A flu

Gets worse before it gets better only to get worse again

It’s not easy to hold on

It’s not easy to not give up

It’s not easy to play along and wait

Because wait is a vague word

Without parameters

How long before you stop waiting

When is it right  to know that there’s nothing you can do anymore

When to know it is time to move on

Time to give up this fight 

Because you can’t win each one of them

And to take on a new fight

If you know

Please, 

Let me know. 

Sign of the Storm

Out in the land of no wonder

We stood and stared as we saw each other

There was a force some call it force of attraction

That pulled us

Towards each other

And we fell into the arms of …

the Lover

Lover you are, lover behold

Took me on a train where dreams unfold

Like a flower blossoming

Like everything I touched turned to gold

You gave me something I didn’t have before

You made me feel something I hadn’t felt before

You made me feel special

You took me by the hand

Held me by the waist

When you touched me the whole world stopped and became a haze

A blur in the picture where we were the focus

My life with you was near perfect

Trust you won so with charming eyes, caressing hands and words that belied

I decided to open up myself to you

But now that I look back at it, did I really have a choice?

With confidence you lifted

The ghunghat off my head

My blouse off my chest

My bra off my breasts

You touched and squeezed and kissed 

Made me feel things I didn’t think were possible to feel

And then I let you in deeper into my body

My mind

My soul

You slowly learnt the secrets I hadn’t cared to explore

You took them and you held them with hands cautious

Cautious to just dwell in enough and not dwell in too deep

For you had intentions I hadn’t suspected

You led a life a bit too relentless

And then it began…

Those late nights I couldn’t bear to stand

Those explanations that failed

Those excuses you stopped caring to make

No longer looked me in the eye

There was grief but more so disguise

I could smell you 

But it didn’t smell like you

I could see you

But it didn’t look like you

Lucky me

I could read you

For you were a poem 

Without a poet

A poem incomplete

A poem imperfect

A poem so filthy, disgusting, reeking of lies

How could you? I asked

But you had already done it

Already loved someone else

Even before giving mine back

And then there were screams and shouts 

And long sleepless nights

Mornings with puffy eyes

Afternoons with fake smiles

Pain in every part of my body

Ache in every corner of my soul

Break in every bend of my heart

Till I could take it no more

I like to say I got away

But it was really you

Perhaps I gave up on us 

Perhaps you forced me to

After 4 years and 3 months

There is nothing left

A little bit of remorse 

A little more of hatred

Sometimes I do find myself in the land of no wonder

Sipping coffee

Looking outside the cafe window

And I do remember

You

Us 

Were

And I wonder

How funnily it is that we discovered

The solace that we found in each other’s warmth

Was only the first sign of the storm.

Persevere Please

A spirit

A passionless spirit

Little dreams all broken

Broken so, that even the splinters have started to further break

One problem after the next

Fading perseverance

Fading light

Fading energy

To fight the darkness

To be able to stay patient

To wait

And wait and further

Learn to wait

For better times

For better paths 

And tunnels

That take you far and further into the light

Away from the dark

Away from the misery

The misery of uncertainty

The uncertainty of life

Because life is moody

That can make you one day

And ruin you the next

It can break you and build you at the same time

Hug you and stab you with the same hands

Show you how to love when all you have is bottled up hate

Show you how to live even when everything is at stake

It can twist your heart until you smile

For you’re too tired to hurt anymore

Too tired to worry about the pain

To tremble when the earth quakes

For life is nothing but a mystery that’s waiting to be discovered

Then uncovered

And then silently consumed

For every individual is entitled to life’s secret

But through their own ways

Amidst their own haze

So let’s embrace equally

The good and the bad

For there isn’t much left to do 

Than live the life we’ve been given to. 

Reasons

There were many reasons my mother and I slept together and many reasons why my mother and father didn’t sleep together

There were few reasons why my mother needed an AC and few why I couldn’t tolerate it

“Should I switch on the AC, maa?”

Silence.

As I followed her around the house for even an acceptance of my question, I was awarded with a chore. 

“Go bring your brother’s uniform and keep it on the sofa.”

There were many reasons why my brother had his uniform kept on the sofa and many reasons why he couldn’t dress himself in his room

“I tired. I did. I can’t find it. Can you tell me where it is exactly kept?”

Silence. 

There were few reasons why I didn’t know where his uniform was and few reasons why I didn’t care

Patience lost it’s grip like a finger holding onto the edge of a mountain and irritation took over me. 

“MAA, SHOULD I SWITCH ON THE AC?”

“What difference does it make anymore?” 

Was the reply.

There were many reasons why she said that and there were few that I knew. 

Divenire

Dark thoughts and lonely nights. 

Shine the light, Heaven be my guide

Unravel the mystery, no more secrets

Let’s create history

Hard to think

Insurmountable

Energy of the wind

Lust pleasure heartache

Oh precious, there is not much at stake

So hold tight, listen carefully

the angel cry

Falling from above

Like a mist of dreams and magic dust

We are in a whirlpool 

Nothing was ever still

Nothing ever touched us

Touched us so

Our hearts we could let free

And give into 

This madness

Uncontrollable

Irresistible

Enigmatical

Round and round

And round and round

And round

Hold tight

Don’t give up

Let him take you in his grace

He has shown the light 

Heaven has welcomed you with arms spread wide.

At The Eleventh Hour

Dark sets forth the dull

All emotions loosely hurl

The heart slowly uncurls

Walls and wounds unfurl

Man no longer needs wine 

The dark is enough for the secrets to untwine.